Have you ever gotten laid in a sleeping bag? It’s horrible. You can’t breathe, it’s all sweaty, and your scoutmaster is covering your mouth.

I didn’t want to get a brain transplant. Then I changed my mind.

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

Why would anyone want to be a masochist? Beats me

thanks for the $100 whole foods gift card i’m really going to enjoy this banana

I hate it when crazy people say Poseidon told them they are the ninja turtles and I don’t even remember I told them so.

After an outage, what time does the power come back on? 12:00 –:– 12:00 –:–

If a tree falls on a woman… And nobody is around to hear it. Why was there a tree in the kitchen?

Going to McDonalds for a salad roll is like going to a brothel for a hug.

Did you know that in high school, Robert E. Lee was voted “most likely to secede?”