Had sex at the bowling ally on the ball return.. …the girl loved it because I gave her 9lbs from the front and 14 from the back

My cat rolled on my weed tray and now half my weed is stuck in her fur……Do I smoke my cat?

DIVORCE Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, because they never get the house.

I told a girl to text me when she gets home. She must be homeless.

I have an irrational fear of over-engineered buildings. I have a complex complex complex

What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.

I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart

What did Shang Tsung say after conquering South Korea? “Your Seoul is mine!”

What did Jeffrey Dahlmer say to Lorena Bobbit? Excuse me are you going to eat that? *Ellen Barken on David Letterman show.

My girlfriend starting putting a miniature Sylvester Stallone doll in the middle of the bed a few months ago Things have been a little rocky between us ever since