What does Neil Patrick Harris call his toilet? His Dookie Houser

“My night’s about to get better now that you’re turned on.” … said the student to his printer when he finished his essay.

Why was the snake soft? He had reptile dysfunction.

How do you tell the difference between Male and Female ghosts? One has boooooobs. The other gets full pay at their jobs.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You Barium.

What did the hat say to the scarf? You hang around here while I go on ahead.

Why does it have to be a white Christmas? #BlackChristmasMatters

At least cunts are useful you’re not.

On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky… how much do you like kids?… Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes

I know 27 different jokes about eyeballs… …But this one’s cornea than the rest!