I know it wouldn’t be “environmentally friendly” but I wish someone would invent disposable handkerchiefs.

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

The sound of thunder is no longer Thor’s hammer. It’s a pissed-off Lady-Thor stomping round Asgard and noisily filling the dishwasher while she waits for someone to ask her what’s wrong…

Where do you go if you want to find a very funny joke? Apparently, not here

i’m fat but at least i’m not “my facebook profile picture is a pokemon” fat

How does an elephant climb a tree? He hides in an acorn and waits for a bird to carry him up.

Lincoln and Twilight opening the same weekend? Once again, Abe gets killed in a theater, and he’s already fought vampires once this year.

I heard that John Cena had a failed porn career… Every time they tried to do the money shot nobody could see him coming.

Q: Why do men float better than women? A: Because they are scum.

Women like you are hard to find.. My ex wanted to know if still thought of her. Quite often I said. “Women like you are hard to find. Most of you are in state hospitals.”