Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face? A: If his lips are moving then he’s lying.

I can’t believe gay marriage is legal! What’s next womens rights?

My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she’s racist

Knock knock. Who’s there? Panther. Panther who? Panther no panth I’m going thwimming.

Why did the cellist have to sell his instrument? He was baroque.

How many seconds are there in one year? 12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

Apparently being a mother is the hardest job in the world. They’re probably right. I can definitely see brain surgeons struggling to put Frozen into a DVD player.

I tried inventing a belt with a clock on it… It was a waist of time

Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That’s what I’m afraid of!

Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse “You mean Centaur, right?” Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh