What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying

Today in 1956 the first videotape recording was made. Your mom was young and needed the money.

why was Pavlov’s hair so soft? classical conditioning.

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job ME: My dogter loves hers F: You mean dau.. ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor

What are four ways of spreading information that begins with “tel”? Telephone, telegram, television, and tell a woman.

[Jews being led out of Egypt] Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions? Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.” – Me, drunk at Target

How do you kill a one legged Fox? Make him run across Canada

What powers a robotic Sherlock Holmes Electricity, my dear Watt-Son