What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle? You can spill your beer on a fiddle.

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

Why hasn’t there been a Mexican Disney Princess? Because everyone would just think it’s a quinceanera

Knock Knock Who’s there ! Boo ! Boo who ? Just Boo ! I’m a ghost !

Did you hear about the rookie Rhode Island cop who gave out twenty-two parking tickets before he found out he was at a drive-in movie?

When I’m in the car and a sad song comes on the radio, I stare out the window and act like I’m in a movie.

Just got bit by a black widow… People are fucking crazy.

I LOVE the way the Earth rotates It really makes my day.

I was bored at work yesterday, so I gave a colleague a clock and told him to give it to someone else. I had to do something to pass the time.

There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol has on walking… the result was staggering.