We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

“Full bath?” “Yes sir” “Double beds?” “Yes sir” “Pool?” “Yes sir” “Maid service?” “Yes sir” “WIFI?” “Yes sir” “Kids, I found a campsite!”

What do you get when you step into the ring with Mohammad Ali? Too soon

Sat down to donate blood the other day Nurse: Just a little prick. Me: How’d you know?

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

Why do they call camels ‘ships of the desert’? Because they are full of Arab semen.

Patrick: “Did you see my underwear?” Mindy: “No.” Patrick: “Do you wanna?”

Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW

I broke my finger today… but on the other hand..I’m completely fine!