My dad told me never to explain fashion to Tommy, Hilfiger.

What’s the difference between an Irish Funeral and an Irish Wedding? One less drunk person.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

I greet all my daughter’s boyfriends with, “I used to molest guys like you in prison.”

Why can’t ghosts have babies? Because they have Hollow-Weenies!

“Kindly let me help you or you will drown,”… …said the monkey putting the fish safely up a tree.

The only thing harder than diamonds a redneck at his family reunion

Seasick jokes What do armed forces at sea feel when depressed? The Navy blues What part of the Mac’s desktop would seafarers miss when at sea for a loooong time? The Dock

A good groaner What do you get when you combine an elephant and a poodle? A dead poodle, split in half.

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days