What you’re feeling, Republicans, is the ghost of Ted Kennedy’s nuts on your chin.

Have you ever had Ethiopian food? No? Either have they.

I hate shopping. No matter how much I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers, the cashier keeps on putting them back!

Some people only gets called by their nicknames. Usually it sounds weird to even say their real name.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? …a rip off.

[God, wasted, creating humans] Angel: How do they cool themselves off? God: *takes a drink* Salt water comes out of them. Angel: How…Ok.

Mother: What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write? Son: I don’t know they haven’t taught us how to read yet!

What’s green and lays in a ditch while covered in cookie crumbs? The Girl Scout that got hit by a car.

A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his girlfriend… She says “I guess I’ll have to spread my legs now” And he replies “Why, don’t you have a vase?”

What’s the most powerful part of a french tank Reverse gear