I’m allergic to football fields They send me into NFLactic shock.

What do you call a boring banana? unaPEELING

Me: “Excuse me, hi” Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend” Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

What was the title of the soundtrack to ‘The Inconvenient Truth’? Al Gore Rhythms

I’m so antisocial, i won’t even meet my potential.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, Sorry we don’t serve food here.

Me to dad:i’ll call u later Dad:don’t call me later call me dad

You can’t out wit a jew but… You can auschwitz him

How many men does it take to open a beer? None, the beer should be open by the time she has brought it to you.

I saw a fat lady accidentally sit on a phone today I guess you could call that a booty call…