Why do people shoot up schools? Because it increases the average IQ of the world. It’s a public service.

What does a Mexican use to cut pizza with? Little Caesars!

Come on, terrorists. Stuff your pockets with colorful beads before exploding. It doesn’t have to be ALL negative.

Confucius say: Man who is outstanding in rain dance will be out standing in rain.

Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression. Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania? *gets leg dropped*

I like my women like I like my whiskey At least 18 years old and mixed up with coke

My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.

I wish Gene Wilder was still alive today… He’d probably be ecstatic knowing one of his oompa loompa’s grew up to be president :’)

I’m having trouble finishing my joke about tree surgery! Stick joke here!

This man says to his friend” I stopped driving 10 years ago. Now my wife drives and I just sit there and hold the wheel.”