My 10 year old: “If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did the darkness get there first.” Me: “What?”

What rings twice and screams once? Ray Charles answering the iron

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

ME: I would like a complaint form ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left ME: I would like two complaint forms

Knock knock…. (Who’s there?) Ellen Pao’s Resume.

David Copperfield’s fed up of performing the old trap-door trick… It’s just a stage he’s going through.

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

You hear about the highly-productive pastry factory that has trouble retaining employees? It has a high turnover rate.

What came first the chicken or the egg? The chicken, eggs can’t cum

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.