“We suspect you may have inability to vocalise emotion disease” “I can’t say I’m surprised” *doc strokes beard* “Hmm yes.Just as we thought”

Behind every great man… …is a very surprised mother-in-law.

I’m “the cord popped out of the phone cause I tried to stretch it from the kitchen to my room” years old

Has anything happened since 2008? I’ve been looking down at my phone.

Knock, knock..(my 8 year old told me this) Knock, knock Who’s there? Anna Anna who? Anna one, Anna two

You know, they’re making the prospective Mars astronauts shave their whole bodies prior to departure. That way, when it’s time for blastoff… they’ll baldly go where no man has gone before.

I’ve been watching so much porn lately I spit on my hotdog before putting it the bun.

Caesar tried to run when the senate came after him… but his leg muscles couldn’t carry him fast enough. As he fell to the ground he cried out “Et tu, glutes!”

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be baygulls. I’m sorry

What would Hitler have said to the Jews if he were a Keynesian economist? “In the short run, _you’re_ all dead!”