I just ran into my barber on the street. He asked me how I liked the haircut he gave me last week. I told him it’s growing on me.

Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee

Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.

Good Steak jokes are… A rare medium well done

Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other “do you have to do that right now?”

Did you know Helen Keller had a very pretty dollhouse? Neither did she.

There are 10 types of people in the world Those who understand binary, and those who don’t… ^^[BADUM’TSS](http://trommelyd.no/)

What is the difference between a gay man and a hot dog? One is an oscar meyer weiner, the other admires oscar’s weinner

GREEN LIPSTICK Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop.

When I stay at a man’s house that I want to see again I always “accidentally” lose something there, like my phone, my sweater, or my dignity.