This guy on the subway has piercings on both sides of his neck. Mary Shelley would be so proud of her modern influence.

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

Why do women prefer old gynecologists? Their shaky hands!

Which is the cheapest bicycle you can buy? A penny-farthing.

Q: Why is a train like a stick of gum? A: One goes choo-choo; the other goes chew-chew.

Business Idea: 1. Buy a taco truck. 2. Park it in front of my house. 3. Sell tacos to myself.

How do snowmen get around? By icicle.

I got prescribed an antifungal… … and now my girlfriend won’t come near me.

So I made a Guardians of the Galaxy themed soft drink. I call it Groot beer.