Why are hurricane names female because they are destructive until you go inssiiiddee…. came up with this while i was on the water

[at funeral] Me: “I’m sorry your husband died in that boating accident in Venice” Widow: “please no…. Me: “you have my gondolances”

Q: Why does a dog wag it’s tail? – A: No one else will do it for them

I blame Picasso for all these women who use markers to draw on their eyebrows.

So a horse comes into a bar… wait crap, I meant a guy… So this horse cums in to a guy (credit to cyanide and happiness)

I hear Donald Trump is going to ban cans of parmesan cheese… ..he’s going to make America grate again.

What happens when libertarians and honey badgers don’t give a shit together? An ex-lax shortage

What’s the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.

“I suppose you have to live somewhere.” – A more accurate motto for the state of Utah.

What happens when the president of the United States has to use the bathroom? The state of alert in the White House rises to Defecate 2.