Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club Thank you all for coming.

[dinner negotiations] Wife: where do you want to go to eat? Me: ugh Wife: Me: you pick Wife: I’m craving kale Me: I’ll pick

Borderline Crazy!!! A passenger plane crashes on the border of Tanzania and Kenya. Where are the survivors buried?

“What’s that?” – My new boss. He’s very deciduous” “Decisive?” – Nope. I carved him from a potted tree. *squirrel peeks out of his mouth*

So I was in math class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69. Apparently, “I do.” is not the correct answer.

Stores and their non-secular agendas have switched from selling Christmas stuff to Valentine’s Day stuff, completely ignoring Toyotathon.

Why did the feminist cross the road? To shout and scream at a gentleman who held the door for a lady.

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

I cheated on my drug test, with a younger, more attractive drug test.