My answering machine message: “I have caller ID, please don’t leave a message, I will not be returning your call.” No beep, just a foghorn.

never trust quotes from the Internet ~Abraham Lincoln

What is the difference between Donald Trump and Chris Christie? When things go south,Trump burns bridges, Christie just shuts them down.

[1st day as lifeguard] Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

Last year I asked a girl out, this year I’d ask her to marry me but… the restraining order is still in effect…

I heard “…and that’s when the fight started.” jokes today for the first time. What’s your best one?

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

Our WIFI was down yesterday and I spent 45 minutes trying to fix it. Our dishwasher has been broken for 3 weeks and I haven’t even touched it.

I am still at a loss over Hillary Clinton’s defeat and I emailed my consolations to her, but never got a response Do I need to call FBI to look into it

I like my coffee how I like my women. Without some other guys dick in it.