When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

They say faith can’t move mountains But I’ve seen what it can do to skyskrapers

“Ooh, a new friend request…who the hell is Iqbal???”

A man enters a pun contest… He writes down 10 puns and puts them into a hat thinking at least one of them would win. Sadly, no pun in 10 did.

3 drunk men walked into a bar, but another man came with them. He ducked.

The Three Up’s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut

Me: Where’s your maternity section? Her: Over there. How far along is she? Me: Her? I’m shopping for my Thanksgiving pants. Her…

What’s an asexual person’s favorite thing to do in the bedroom? Fuckin’ nothin’.

You know what screw programming C-out

Leo: *names his child Oscar* Doctor: “Would you like to hol-” Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.” Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”