There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Drive-thru 4. Fried

I thought landlady was the opposite of mermaid?

Last night me and and my girlfriend watched three movies back-to-back.. Luckily I was the one facing the TV!

LPT: If you ever find yourself lost in the wild… …simply misspell the SOS signal and some arsehole will show up within minutes to correct you.

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

Where do the sith get their clothes? Darth Mall

Sometimes on a clear cool night I look at the stars for hours and wonder what cool things I’d be doing if my Internet weren’t down.

*into earpiece during date* Ok now maintain eye contact No not that kind of contact Bro do not touch her eyes Get your eye away from hers

Waiter what is this cockroach doing on my ice cream sundae ? Skiing sir !

I just read Jared Fogle was assaulted in prison He was also a-peppered and covered in lettuce. Don’t know if the story has any meat to it.