My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration. As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

Nothing better than shutting the door and jerking off after a long day And it’s even better if the uber has heated seats

The past, the present and the future walk into a bar… …Then things got tense.

Are hamburgers male? Yes because they’re boygers not girlgers!

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Thank God there are no Bible verses shorter than 140 characters.

They say that endorphins make you happy… and blind orphans make you sad.

My friend was frozen to absolute zero… He’s pretty 0K with it.

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock? It repeated on him.