I saw a man yesterday who was so bald I could see what he was thinking.

I’m okay with “lol”, I’m cool with “omg”, I even tolerate “rofl”, but “smh” needs to gtfo.

What supervillain do you know the least about? Loki , because he is low-key.

A priest with a lisp offered to bring a roamin’ Catholic to Paris … The Catholic, bread in hand, was not impressed.

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

A stepdad should be called a “Faux Pa.”

Did you hear about the Circus fire? Yea, it was in tents.

What do girls fear that’s big, scary, and pink? The Alaskan Bull Worm.

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram