The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved. And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’ ‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed. He hated these late night rebooty calls.

I’m going to make a movie about the raid to steal Osama Bin Laden’s porn stash. ‘Zero-Dick-Thirty’.

When on a school trip, somebody pissed in the shower. It really ruined the trip to Auschwitz.

I did my foreign country report on Ethiopia. It was really easy, I didn’t even have to bring the class food.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other needs oinkment

If you cross a telephone and a lobster what will you get? Snappy talk.

Have you ever eaten out a Chinese girl on her period? I hear it’s a delicacy in some cultures. They call it Egg Drop Soup.

[first date] Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole Her: I know how juice boxes work Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

“Give it to me”, she screamed “I’m so fucking wet, give it to me now” “Fuck off”, I said “this is my umbrella”