If the election were held today, a lot of people would be like, “I thought the election was on November 6th.”

I was the principle subject in a lengthy experiment on laziness They told me the results but I couldn’t be fucked listening.

Don’t read this if you don’t like sensitive topics Biting into an ice cream

Dr. Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition… It seems he wildly misunderstood the rules.

What do you say when Al Gore writes computer code? He’s writing an Algorithm!

What did the hillbilly say when he saw the new C7 Vette? NAS-car

What is the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven

A mailman delivers mail, and a milkman delivers milk. I’m a lineman. **I deliver lines.**

My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.

How do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream.