my resume is just one page that reads, “i really need money, you guys,” in an over-sized comic sans font.

My boobs are nice so I don’t have to be.

I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.

To avoid identity theft when I die I want to be shredded.

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

“Sir, we are mining too many useless ores” *Hitler rubs chin* So mine less. [GRAMMAR NAZI BUSTS IN] “MINE FEWER.” [Hitler looks up] Yes?

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

I hope no one tells the kids in Africa we have forums on our computers where we can just complain about stuff.

How many hipsters… does it take to screw in a light bulb? It’s a really obscure number. You’ve probably never heard of it.

I have a fear of speed bumps but I’m slowly getting over it.