[breaking up yet another fight] Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters? 6-year-old: Because I always win.

The only way to make conservatives feel threatened by climate change is to convince them the climate is gay.

Madonna is tryin to get Spice Girls back together. Only condition is she gets to join them. They gonna call her Old Spice.

A world renowned chef undercooked the meat It was a rare misteak

*sneezes* “MY DUST COLLECTION!”

My girlfriend just replied to my text saying she is up for a threesome tonight! Now I am anxiously waiting for my wife to reply.

My friend told me it’s impossible to avoid cops But I know there’s waze.

There once was a zoo with only one animal… It was a Shih Tzu

Woah guys, did you hear Oxygen and Magnesium got together? OMg!

Jared Fogle Of Subway Started and Ended His Career The Same Way. Trying to get into smaller pants.