Back in my day, we didn’t have Twitter, Facebook, or even the internet. Guys would have to walk uphill for days to tell me that I’m gay.

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.

One day two blind men started fighting. Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them. Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out “I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife.” Both men ran away.

My Ex told me I overanalyse things… I’d believe her but she uses that excuse 19.3% of the time.

[GF comes home to find our son alone] Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk! ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

Let’s turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus: 1. They give awesome hugs 2. They have no skeleton 3. Every date is at the aquarium

My drug dealer just bought me a new pair of sneakers for Christmas I can’t tell what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

A lot of rappers had Diddy issues when they were growing up.

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.