What is a pirate’s least favorite letter? Dear Sir/Ma’am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: 1. Illegal Downloading

What do you call a gay guy in a coma? A watermelon.

Chuck Norris once screamed “bloody murder” in sign language for the hearing impaired.

Remember: if the Pilgrims had shot a bobcat instead of a turkey, we’d all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving …

HALF-LIFE 3 CONFIRMED!!!!! lol

My girlfriend is like an 07 Nappa Valley Pinot Noir Full-bodied and matured, pairs well with meat, and has a smooth, aromatic aftertaste

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

[finds sock with hole in it] *gets angry* [puts sock back in same drawer] *repeats forever*

What’s the opposite of Christopher Walken? Christopher Reeve

How do you end world hunger? Put Turkey in Greece to cook it, then cut it up and put it into Chile. Then put it on China and give it to Hungary.