My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

I visited my friend in his flat He told me to make myself at home. So I kicked him out. I hate having visitors

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women. He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

When I die use my body to block up a water slide. No one should have fun once I’m gone

I was almost in a devil’s threesome once, but at the last minute the other guy backed out. So i looked at the girl and said… “Well that’s a load off your back”

Why don’t men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.

A son walks up to his dad and tells him: “Dad, did you know in other countries you don’t know who your wife is until you get married?” His dad replies: “It’s like that everywhere son.”

what would Netflix even do if i sent them back a DVD of me doing karate they’d have no choice but to add it to their collection i suppose

Boobs are the original WMD’s. Weapons of Man’s Destruction.

A Texan goes to a car dealership He sees a car he likes and says “Gee that’s a byoot!” The Dealer responds “That’s not a Buick that’s a Honda!”