When’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty (2:30)

Guess what came in the mail today? Deez nuts. HAH GOT EM!

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

What is long, pink, and drags along the ocean floor? Moby’s Dick

Assorted nuts… …was the name of the insane asylum.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? (snicker) *You don’t know?*

My mum showed my girlfriend my baby photos. “You haven’t changed at all,” said my girlfriend. “Alright mum,” I said, “that’s enough of the naked ones.”

What language does a boxer who punches jokes speak? Punjabi-ng.

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel Caveman2: what we do now? Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died. My thoughts are with his family.