What kind of fruit is also a vegetable? Elton John in a coma.

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

What do landfills and hookers have in common? Uncovered loads cost double

Me: Doctor, it hurts when I go like this. Doctor: You’re not doing anything. You’re just sitting there being alive. Me: Exactly.

A grizzly mauled a guy in an elevator… but I couldn’t bear to see it go down.

I thought making cheese was hard. But it was a brie-eze.

I like my rum like I like my women Twelve years old and mixed up with Coke.

Why did Dave Grohl buy such a tall house? He wanted to make sure he was getting the best, the best, the best, the best-a view.

God’s plan to use wasps to pollinate didn’t work out. So he had to resort to Plan Bee.

How did Jared Fogel lose 60 pounds? He broke up with his girlfriend.