A Russian guy goes for an eye test The doctor tells him to read the following : MHXYHDGUGNKAZ. Then the Russian says,”Read this? I even know that guy, he is my cousin’s friend.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

What does a cynical Irishman drink? Whiskey sour

The programmer to his son: “Here I brought you a new basketball.” “Thank you daddy but where is the user’s guide?”

Autocorrect can be a real birch. Dammit!

Today I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof I was shocked!

Bath time without my phone: 10 minutes Bath time with my phone: 45 minutes 75 retweets 1 wrinkly baby

Read this in an email by the Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF) – science joke “This newsletter is printed from 100% recycled electrons.”

What do University of Miami, Florida State, and University of Florida football fans have in common? None attended the University of Miami.

My parents raised me as an only child… Which really upset my sister