55 in a 25 and let’s just say I wasn’t referring to my driving.

Good comedy is like health insurance Some just can’t get it

Why didn’t the feminist picnic work out? because they all refused to make sandwiches.

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

What do you call a greedy crab? Shell fish……

When the machines rise up against us humans, I really hope … …I really hope I’m nowhere near a dildo factory…

How come there are no Olympics in Mexico? Because all of the Mexicans that can run jump and swim are already in America.

The last words of my gym teacher: “All spears to me!”

I’ll never understand why anyone would buy one of those flesh-colored Volkswagen beetle cars, it’s like driving a giant testicle.

Everyone is freaking out about all these glasses that glow under a backlight… … But my sheets have been glowing under backlights since I was 14