There are two types of people I can’t stand. Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what the hell they’re whispering about.

Germanwings ‘Knock Knock’ joke. *Knock Knock* Who’s there? *A Germanwings pilot* A Germanwings pilot who? **LUBITZ, LET ME IN GODDAMNIT, YOU’RE GONNA CRASH THE PLANE!!**

Whats green and goes round and round at 100 miles an hour ? A frog in a blender !

How many Mexicans does it take to build a……. oh shit, they’re done.

What’re nuts on a wall? Bob: What are nuts on a wall? Dan: walnuts? Bob: What are nuts on a chest? Dan: Chestnuts? Bob: What are nuts on your chin? Dan: Chinnuts? Bob: No, dick in your mouth!

God and the devil were arguing with each other… … God says to him “I’ve had it! I’m taking you to court.” The devil says back “yeah? Well where are you going to get a lawyer?”

How do you paint a wall with dead babies? It depends how hard you throw them.

So a guy walks into a cow Moo

I ALSO wrote a poem! ”I do drugs, you do drugs, we do drugs, they do drugs” Now, I know it’s not the best, but it’s pretty dope.

I’ve heard of sleepwalking on Ambien but the cabbie dropped me off and seems I flew to New Mexico, got peyote, ate a burrito, and flew back.