Helen: Mum do you know what I’m going to give you for your birthday? Mum: No dear what ? Helen: A nice teapot. Mum: But I’ve got a nice teapot. Helen: No you haven’t. I’ve just dropped it.

Shockingly True What’s the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair.

I’m starting a prostitution ring for ex-cops…. I’m calling it Fuck The Police.

I just gave birth… I had a cow.

I like my women like I like my coffee From that cheap place down on the corner.

Why is Bill Cosby like the The Wizard of Oz? Cosby Cosby Cosby Cosby cos, because of the wonderful things he drugs

How many days are there in Canadian February? About Twenty, eh.

What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon? The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.

Me: How are you feeling Grandpa? Grandpa: Oh you know with my hands mostly.

Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese? Because for them, it is a Wurst-Kase scenario.