Why don’t paperclips move around a lot? They like being stationery.

7 days without a pun… Makes one weak.

*pounding on her chest* DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN! *pounds harder* (sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT! CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

Ramen again? This guy’s a mess. -mice in my kitchen

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?” No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

I’m pretty happy that human skin isn’t see-through.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman… The kids were nothing to look at either.

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

In Soviet Russia, tired joke format tweets YOU.