Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert? Me: I think we should see other people.

One Liner I’ve smoked so much pot the zig zag man has a tattoo of me on his arm. [Jokes] #jokes

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

What’s green and eats nuts? Syphilis.

What do you get is you cross a ghost with a packet of potato chips? Snacks that go crunch in the night.

Kanye West is opening up a breakfast restaurant… Omelette You Finish

Has the passing of the holidays left you feeling alone in the world, unloved and depressed? Don’t worry, Valentine’s Day is coming right up!

A Man Walks Into A Bra… Dyslexia’s a bitch, ain’t it.

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.

[Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant] Cop: You’re under arrest. Me: What’s the charge? [Lowers sunglasses] Cop: a salt and buttery.