*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool* “Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!” Hey! What are y- *touches live wire to water*

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess. Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’ Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank espresso before it was cool.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

Fist bumping high fives since 94′

When I search Canadian cats in Google… It just gives me a bunch of lynx.

So, a snake walks into a bar…. And the bartender asks in surprise “how’d you do that?!”

What is Relative Humidity? The sweat on your balls when you screw your cousin.

Women think they are smart for faking orgasm Men fake whole relationships just to get sex.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch