Twitter’s new “local” feature tells me that “goodmorning” and “nowthatsghetto” are trending here in Washington. Wow. This is a game-changer.

How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!

A man tries to buy a trampoline… but his check bounces.

What beer do elderly rednecks drink? Silver Mullet

[Sci fi movie] How did you travel such a distance so fast? “I went through a wormhole.” Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

A woman screams as she gives birth… “What’s wrong, honey?” her husband asks. “What’s wrong?!?” the woman shouts, “THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!” “Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?”

I’m on a whiskey diet. You should try it, I’ve lost 3 days already.

My anti-social behavior reached a new high today when I was un-invited to a wedding, and it made my day.

My girlfriend’s father is pretty religious and said we couldn’t make love… which is rather disappointing because he’s extremely handsome.

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother! [20 years later] mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother