I’ll never forget my grandfather last words to me “Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!”

Next week I have an MRI scheduled to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia.

The Pope is really setting a high bar for giving something up for Lent.

Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…

Don’t give people who take selfies a hard time they’re just trying to save face

Sorry but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

What is a gay orc’s favorite gay bar to go to? MANFLESH.

Cops are looking for a fat bank robber. He’s still at large.

So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.

Let’s take all the bad science jokes… And barium.