Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent. All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

I never point fingers at anyone. Though I do have a box of human fingers that I slingshot at people when I feel like blaming them for shit.

Which lake is named after the Cleveland Steamer? Titicaca

Why is Starbuck’s coffee so high on the pH scale? It’s the most basic drink there is.

What scratches the window before it explodes? A baby in a microwave

I’m giving up spray deodorants for the new year Roll on 2017

I wouldn’t eat food cooked by aliens because they cum in peas!

*yawning at an art museum* “I already saw that on Tumblr.”

The Worst Striker by Mr Goal

Uhm, excuse me waiter… I’d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.