I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.

Someone complimented me on my driving today They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.

Why did Night fall? Because Day tripped him.

My teacher actually said this to us before out computing exam… Pupil: “Will we be able to use the calculator in the exam?” Sir: “No, it will be disabled just like you” No joke, he actually said that

2 walruses walk into a bar.. the first walrus is swearing and acting extremly obnoxious, the second walrus turns to him and says “tusk tusk” Gotta love dad jokes

No democratic debate on Christmas Day The democratic presidential hopefuls signed a statement not to debate on Christmas Day. It was a Barry Sanders-clause

My parents caught me masturbating. I wasn’t ashamed, I was startled – I almost dropped their wedding picture.

So my mobile phone company forced me to upgrade my 3G phone to a 4G one. I couldn’t withstand the pressure.

Hoo-dini And now I wait……….

What gets wetter the more you dry it? A woman with a towel fetish