A man carrying a tombstone walked up to a skeleton taking a break from his casket. He asked the skeleton, “Is it okay if I leave this tombstone here?” The skeleton replied, “Yes, over my dead body.”

Why Can’t You Play UNO With Mexicans? They keep stealing the goddamn green cards.

*knock knock* “Who’s there?” *knock knock “I said, ‘Who’s there?’” *knock knock “……Hello?” ……*doorknob jiggles “The fuck?!”

So this is what it’s like to grow up. Fucking bullshit is what it is.

My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette’s suffering girlfriend for years now. I always wondered what kept them together. Then I saw the swear jar.

[leaving a birthday party with my pinata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that “Just take me home”

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

Why couldn’t the incontinent man print his documents? He couldn’t Ctrl+P

Pair of Twins I’ve been shagging a pair of twins recently, and my friend asked me “How do you tell the difference?”. I told him “It’s easy! Julie has long blonde hair…” “..and Derek has a moustache”

Donald Trump: nobody can out crazy me Lena Dunham: here, hold my beer