What’s the hardest part to eat of a vegetable? The Wheelchair.

What’s the best part about banging twenty two year olds? There’s twenty of them.

You wanna hear a joke? Women’s rights

You wanna hear a joke? Women’s rights

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

i gave my girlfreind my nine inch nail… and we got closer.

What is the difference between Courtney Love and a porcupine? A porcupines needle won’t give you AIDS

“I am Santa Claus.” “No you’re not.” “Yes I am.” “Ok.” – Miracle on 34th Street in tweet form.

My uncle Robert was a shit ventriloquist He used to stick his hand up my arse and tell me to say nothing