You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

Who would won in a wrestling match; Lemmy or God? Trick question, lemmy is god… R.I.P. Edit* win not won damnit…

What’s the difference between an orphan home and a terrorists’ boot camp? I don’t know. I’m retiring next month.

Why is a firetruck red? You’d be red too if you had your hose stretched that far

Why didn’t the bear from the revenant win the Oscar? Because it would’ve torn Leo up to receive another Oscar loss

I’ve been writing a joke about the whites, blacks and asians… But it’s a bit racey.

Have you seen www.pitchdark.com? Yes but I really couldn’t see what all the fuss is about.

What’s the best time to go to the dentist? 2:30.

A guy walked into a bar. He was brought to the closest hospital quickly.

How do birds learn to fly? They just wing it.