I hope that fat guy didn’t notice me glancing at the weight limit sign on the elevator just now. Or clearing my throat and pointing at it.

How do you pay a bartender? With bar tender.

What kind of bagel can fly? A plane bagel.

[1st date] {don’t let her know you’re Hitler} HER: what are you going to eat? ME: definitely not seafood HER: did u say nazi food? ME: shit

Why do they call it Anal Bleaching ? Surely it should be called changing your Ring Tone.

Black joke Santa clause, a child, and an innocent black man jump out of a plane. Who lands first? The child there’s no such thing as Santa or an innocent black man

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a* Shitzhu*.

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

At the gun range I was at the gun range the other night with a friend. Friend: “Aren’t you going to wear ear protection while we’re shooting?” Me: “Nah, my hearing’s already shot.”

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you- Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory [dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]