What do you call a bulletproof Irishman? Rick O’Shea.

What did the Headless Horseman ask his colleague at Bad Guys Inc.? What do I have to do to get ahead around here?

I Googled “James Earl Jones” to see whether or not he’s alive and the Wikipedia link was purple from the other times I’ve done this.

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

How much did Juan weigh after eating Chinese food? Juan ton

What’s the only thing politicians stand for? Reelection.

I’m like a bird, I’ll only swim away, I don’t know what a bird is

[first day as diving instructor] Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

What’s the difference between jam and jelly? I can’t jelly my dick down your throat

What do you get if you insert human DNA into a monkey? AIDS for humanity