A man killed himself to find out what the afterlife was like. He was dying to know!

A man went to see the doctor The doctor told him “you need to stop masturbating” The man asked “why?” The doctor replied “I need to finish the exam”

Sometimes I drink to cure my malaise. If I get drunk this Friday because I am bummed about the end of the world, am I getting sauced because of Mayan-aise?

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

My signature move at parties is flirting with a cute guy for half an hour before realizing he’s actually a bag of Cheetos

My grandma coined the term “TC” in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

People get easily offended these days. You can’t even say black paint Instead you have to yell “Jamall, paint my fence”

“Rain, rain, go away, come to a poor African nation watered only by tears.” Bono’s nursery rhymes are the worst.

Who took the spoopy from the spoopy jar? mr skeltal