What do you call a pile of kittens? a meowtain!

Give a man a fire and he is warm for a day Set a man on fire and he is warm for a lifetime.

What did one alcoholic say to the other alcoholic? I forget

You couldn’t kill Sean Bean if he was wearing a red shirt.

Teacher: That’s the stupidest boy in the whole school. Mother: That’s my son. Teacher: Oh! I’m so sorry. Mother: You’re sorry?

*holding my crying child* Me: I know, earthquakes are scary. So maybe next time you’ll be good and I won’t have to make that happen again.

In light of micheal phelps defeat… You could say he got schooled

John has 400 spiders, he eats 398, what does John have now? Cancer

Offensive Jokes these are the worst jokes ever be warned

Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Real Men aren’t afraid of the dark.